Nighttime Memories

Lately I have been thinking so much about different styles of parenting. I wonder all the time why moms and dads can let thier children cry, deny them basic needs like food by setting up a scheduled feeding plan (i.e. conditioning a child sleep through the night prematurely), or how can moms go back to work?!

I can't imagine doing it. That being said, I know they have to - go back to work, that is. I'm just saying It would be too hard for me to be able to not only leave my daughter in someone else's care, but to also try to pull myself away from her day after day.

I love being a stay-at-home, attached, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, mommy who always answers my child's needs. One of the wonderful things about answering your baby when they cry is that they never really cry. Ava knows when she needs something, all she has to do is whine. Some may say that they don't like whining, but I dislike hearing her cry even more. And at least she trusts me enough to know that I will figure out what is wrong. Like before Mike and I go to bed, we put her in her crib for safety and do whatever we do until I go to bed. Then she spends the rest of the night with me so that Mike can get some good sleep since he works. But it's those times that she is alone in her crib that I try to give her all the comforting she needs when she needs it.

It's the little things I love about answering my daughter's cries at night. The way she immediately feels safe and puts her heavy little head on my shoulder. The comfort of her arm wrapped securely around my neck. Her tiny fingers softly caressing my hair as she drifts back to sleep forgetting whatever made her wake up and cry in the first place. Sometimes I wonder who is comforting whom.

Or there's the times when she whines for me and wants to eat. Those are some of the best moments together. When she needs me for something completely instinctual, that is when we are at our best. I love it when she drapes her arm across her face as she cuddles close to me. Sometimes all she needs is the reassurance at the breast that everything is ok. I often wonder if she had a bad dream or just needed to know I was there. Perhaps it is something I've forgotten; the need to be softly nursed back to sleep, the knowledge of someone who is pure safety holding you close and warm. Or perhaps not. Maybe that is why so many of us have problems sleeping. We miss our mommies.

Rising Above the Little Things

Time to write down my new year's resolutions. I haven't been looking forward to putting them in writing but I read that if you put them in writing you are more likely to try to keep them. So here goes...

Things I am trying to do better:

1.) Try to eat dinner at the dinner table as a family at least 4 times a week. (Which means making dinner just as often.)

2.) Try to be more organized including; cleaning the house, staying on track with my to do list for the month, bringing Ava to the playgroup once a week, getting Ava to bed on time, getting rid of the old junk we don't use, and anything else that helps my life go more smoothly.

3.) Going to all cloth diapers with just the occasional disposable as needed.

4.) Help Mike study for the GRE in an effort to get him back in school.

5.) Giving my blog the attention it needs more often and staying up-to-date on it. I plan to make this into a book for Ava someday and it is important that I don't miss anything.

6.) Being more positive.

7.) Practicing positive discipline for Ava and helping her to become a well rounded child and never losing my temper.

8.) Excercise more and eat less... lose weight.

9.) Spend quality time with my husband EVERY day.

10.) Take some time for myself every now and then to work on projects, paint my toenails, or just read.

11.) Being a more confident mother, wife, daughter, and friend. I have been unsure of the decisions I've made most of my life. This year I will be resolute in the things I have decided.

12.) Getting started in classes to finish my degree.

Here's to letting the little things go and focusing on the really important stuff.

Growing up... Ava, and me too!

Well, this picture is proof that I don't have a little baby anymore. She is growing up so fast! Monday she weighed 21 lbs. 4.5 oz. We went to Walmart that day and I had her in the sling the whole hour or so that we were there and so many people tried to talk to her. She really attracts a lot of attention (unwanted by her!). She gets so nervous when people talk to her. She looks at me to see if it's ok. People want to talk to her a lot because she looks mad or upset most of the time. It's really that she's thinking really hard.

Today I realized that Ava knows what the sign for milk means. She would only sign it when she was hungry but still only when I asked her to. Kind of nice to know she can kind-of communicate with me like that. We are still working on eat, drink, diaper, more, dog, cat, mommy, and daddy.

I had to teach Ava how to drink from a sippy cup while she was sick. She used to just teethe on them but transitioning from a bottle to a sippy in just a few days has helped her figure out how it works. It's nice my mom got us these pink ones. Also, she got us a bunch of BumGenius cloth diapers. Very chic! I have been using 6 and washing them pretty quickly and now we have 12 more en-route. I am so excited to have some more and start using them full-time, all the time.

So, I'm also feeling a little nostalgic. Mike and I just looked back at the pictures posted on here listening to the song that I put up, Evanescence: "Anywhere." It felt good but also made me a little sad thinking about not being able to adopt Abigail. I know everything happens for a reason, but that has been really hard to get over. I want Ava to have a sibling. I have had one for as long as I can remember. Dave and I have always been close. I don't want Ava to miss out on that special relationship. I'm letting my body and Ava decide when we are ready to have another baby but both Mike and I are ready for whoever is coming next. I hate that other people think we don't know what we are doing when we say we want more kids already. It was really hard to share that we were thinking of adopting because I was scared we'd get no support. And we didn't really get much, which sort of proves my fears.

Anyway, enough of that. It's a bit depressing. Ava seems like she would benefit from having a sibling, and it feels right to everyone so we'll see what happens and when. I finally feel like enough of an adult to stand up for my feelings about it.

So here we all are sitting at the dinner table, finally. This is our first family meal at the table. It's our goal to eat dinner here at least 4 times a week. Now that Ava seems to be liking finger foods and we have a table! we can work on having quality family time at the dinner table. It's important.

My mom had a good idea, to eventually get these posts made into a book. Maybe that will keep me writing more often. What a fun idea!

Well, it's been a little while since I posted anything. I guess I have put it off because posting pictures on this thing is so not user-friendly and usually Ava is in my hair all day which makes taking the time to do it really hard. She is mobile now and nothing withing reach is safe. She is pulling herself up to standing and cruising the couches. She goes into the kitchen and pulls herself up on everything in view! I also have to watch her carefully because she goes into the pantry and eats the cat food. So gross. She still hollers when I leave the room though even though now she can follow me. Her separation anxiety is really bad. I couldn't even teach at church today without holding her the whole time.

Ava has been a little sick this month. She had a fever (101-103.3) for a couple of days going down during the day. It didn't seem right so I took her to the doctor and it turned out that the NP thought she had a UTI. After culturing the throat swab she determined that she had a strep infection and that caused a rash to break out on her for a few hours. She might also have a UTI but I hope not. We're waiting to hear back on that one.

I have been feeling kind of lost lately. I miss my family and have been having a hard time making friends here. I have felt like I'm missing my purpose. I'm trying really hard to do the right thing.

We have been making some tough decisions lately that I can't really go into details about right now, but suffice it to say that hopefully some big changes are on the way.

So, I'm not going to promise to update the blog more often because I think I'm going to move back to writing in a real journal instead and updating this a couple of times a month, but I only have a couple of people who look at it so I guess it's ok. I know that would be more important for Ava later down the line to have a tangible record of her life and what has been important to me.